My Binge Eating Recovery Story
It’s time to get real, folks. I’m going to talk about how binge eating is part of my eating disorder recovery story and how I overcame binge eating to live a full life in San Diego. It may be a little controversial. And, it may feel a little emotional. However, I’m going to dive in and share anyway because it is so important for me to let you know that you CAN recover from binge eating.
How the Eating Disorder Began
Like many people who suffer from eating disorders, symptoms can shift and change throughout the eating disorder trajectory. I would say that binge eating really came into play when I was in high school. Before that time, there were a lot of restrictive elements that began in elementary school. I had the occasional binge, but I didn’t dive deeply into binge eating until I got my driver’s license at age 16.
Honestly, I Fit the Usual “Teen” Profile
I fit the profile of a “typical” teen who gets an eating disorder—white, high achieving, identified as female, middle-to-upper class, etc. Although we know now that eating disorders exist across all races, cultures, and socioeconomic strata, for many years society considered it a white disease of people who didn’t eat enough.
You see, I didn’t look like I had an eating disorder. Beginning in high school, my weight fluctuated drastically. When I was on a diet and ate restrictively, I felt okay and confident. Even though I didn’t “look sick,” and I still didn’t consider myself very thin. When I was in a binge phase, I felt so much shame and embarrassment. There was no representation of girls and women in fat bodies in media in the late 80s and early 90s. Anti-fatness was not only the norm, it was the only perspective that existed.
Shame Was the Name of the Game
I felt so ashamed that I couldn’t control myself around food. My self-esteem was rock bottom. I had issues with my parents, yet I was a highly compliant child. I would have months of rebellion when binge behavior ran my life, and I felt like crap about how I looked. I would drive to the grocery store and buy my binge foods. Then I would come home, run up to my room, and eat the food as quickly as possible. As I did this, I would say “ha, mom,” because my mom didn’t want me to eat that way.
After The Rebellion
I would switch to compliance mode when I ate restrictively and did what my parents wanted me to do. My body became smaller, and so I thought I was doing the right thing. But I was dying inside. I really felt as though my parents were ashamed of me. Despite my academic prowess, I never felt as though I measured up to their standards. I didn’t feel loved. I felt unworthy and unloveable—by everyone.
Restriction Was Not As Healthy as I Thought
After the binge phases, I would head into a restrictive phase, which I thought was being “good” or “healthy.” Binging felt “bad”—and sometimes immoral. This cycling went on for years until I hit graduate school and I went into a restrictive phase with only the occasional binge. This phase lasted until I injured my back through overexercising, weeks after I graduated with my Ph.D.
The Black Hole of Binge Eating
The back injury was a nightmare (and fodder for another story), and it lasted several years. What it also did was send me into a deep binge spiral because I couldn’t overexercise. Deprived of this eating disorder behavior, I began binging to cope. I binge ate to deal with the pain, to avoid my emotions, and to get some sort of pleasure when I was hurting so much.
Binge eating continued until I moved to San Diego, California for an academic position. I then found an amazing eating disorder therapist. She not only really got the shame that I was experiencing at a visceral level, but she also understood the complexities of how my personality traits impacted this. Plus, we talked about the impact of my low self-esteem, plus my family-of-origin history intersected to perpetuate binge eating behavior.
Seeing the Light
My San Diego eating disorder therapist helped me learn to love myself from within, regulate my emotions, work through some family issues, and manage my stress. A few years later, my binge eating recovery was complete. The mental obsessions were gone. My body checking stopped. The binge eating was in the rearview mirror. I was free.
Life After Binge Eating Recovery in California
After recovery, during my time in academia, I was doing a part-time gig in private practice treating clients with chronic pain. I noticed that many of them had disordered eating issues, so I decided to audit a class at my university on eating disorders. I fell in love. The complexities and nuances of eating disorder treatment in California were right up my alley. Plus, I had lived it. I had found my calling.
Spreading the Reality of Binge Eating Recovery to Others
I got as much eating disorder training as I could from the University of California San Diego Eating Disorders Center, Center For Discovery Eating Disorder Treatment Center, Eating Recovery Center, etc. I devoured books on treating eating disorders. I began seeing eating disorder clients in my private practice. I was on fire!
I eventually left academia to be in private practice treating eating disorders, especially binge eating. Through my 10 years as an eating disorder therapist, I developed a three-part system that I’ve used to help countless teens and adults recover.
How Can You Achieve Binge Eating Recovery and Begin Living Again?
It’s time to share this three-part system with you. My virtual, live, 4-week Freedom From Binge Eating class* is a great opportunity for you to begin your binge eating recovery. Our summer course is closed, but we are offering a free master class soon and our fall interest list is open. Retrain your brain. Reclaim your body. Overcome binge eating. I’m so excited for you to begin this journey. I know the struggle. I know the fight. I know how amazing recovery feels. It’s so worth it.
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Hey everyone, I really appreciate you reading my blog! Have a wonderful day. :)
Marianne
Ready to Take The Next Steps in Your Binge Eating Recovery in California, New York, Florida, or Anywhere Nationwide?
If you want to take the next step toward eating disorder recovery and find out more about eating disorder treatment, ARFID, bulimia, binge eating, or other eating disorders in San Diego, check out the resources on my website, including previous blog posts and my guest-speaking gigs on podcasts. If you want to get started with individual therapy or our interactive class for binge eating follow these simple steps:
Begin your binge eating recovery in a safe and healing space!
You can find more information about me on Instagram @drmariannemiller, on my Facebook page, or on Twitter.
*Disclaimer: This class is not therapy and should not replace professional eating disorder/binge eating treatment or medical advice. This educational group is for learning, discussion, and encouraging connection.
Other Services Marianne Miller Offers
All therapy services are offered in person or via Online Therapy in CA. Binge Eating Classes are offered online only nationwide and are not a therapy service.